a self-indulgent series where it’s all about me
When I had my fortune of some sort read out to me via tarot card reading, I couldn’t help but ask about my career, or lack of.
You see, once upon a time when I was in poly and university, I did dream of having a career. I wanted to be a high flyer. I wanted to earn all the money I could possibly earn so that I can have a super luxurious lifestyle; buying whatever I want, whenever I want.
When I was in poly, I dreamt of being a script writer, director and even an award winning photographer of some sort… I also secretly harbored thoughts of being some kind of TV star at one time.
Then I entered university and I enjoyed the journalism studies and prospects of working in the public relations industry. I was so excited about it all that I began job hunting the moment my final examinations were over. Soon, I secured a job and started working about two weeks after my last day in school.
Alas, within four months of working, I resigned from the one and only CPF-paying job I’ve ever had. The job that made me feel all kinds of highs and lows. The job I was so happy to have gotten despite my terrible command in the main language used. The job I thought was a perfect mix of what I wanted when in poly and university, and I still think that it is.
But somehow, between my dreams and reality, I came to the conclusion back then that I must start having my family immediately. That everything else can wait. And that’s what we did.
We got pregnant with Blake, I resigned, then along came Nakayla. I became a full-fledged stay-at-home mom.
And before anyone think it, I’m just going to say it. I might have had some regrets about how certain things unfolded, but I definitely don’t regret having my two babies.
While the thought of returning to the workforce did cross my mind a couple of times, I know that that’s pretty much impossible. Even now, when the children are in childcare.
I cannot imagine having a job that will allow me to leave work on time (not in the field I’m interested in anyway), and take leave whenever I needed to should either child falls sick. And after seeing who actually picks the children up at the children’s school, mostly grandparents and maids, it further reinforces that it will be impossible for me to return to work. I am, after all, their main caregiver, alongside Sean, and they’ll always be our top priority.
And I know with me staying home, Sean is able to work and travel when needed without worries. I know he knows he can count on me. And I want him to be able to. Just like I can count on him to watch the children on days he’s not working and I need a breather.
With the limitations that I have, I am hesitant to even look for a job, to be honest.
The cards said it’s because I have no confidence. And in some ways, that is true. After all, I only have four real months of actual working in my resume. Nothing else! Who is going to hire me, a person with not even half a year of experience, and have been out of touch for almost five years and counting?
Then the tarot card reader told me this – I should return to the first job I had, that is the job for me. I shared this with Sean and he too believes that that is the job for me. He had always thought that I would and should return to it someday. Sean’s hardly wrong when it comes to matters related to me. He knows me better than me.
Personally, a part of me do want to return. But not right now. Not when the children are still young and need at least one of us around all the time.
Maybe someday, when the children are much older and I don’t have any limitations. Maybe.
But right now, I’m happy and contented with my life as it is. There’s enough to get by, the children are happy that I’m around all the time (except on days mommy goes nuts on them), and I have the freedom to choose to do anything that’s placed in front of me, at my own pace.
It may not add up to much, and I’m still flat broke in some months, but it’s something. Knowing that I can contribute a little to the household finances and buy some things for myself, for Sean and the children… That’s all good for me, for now.